Wonderwall
by Xstrawberry0fieldsforeverX
Summary: Keep going. If you start to fall, I'll catch you...' When you had first said those words you had no idea they would become a promise to me throughout our complicated friendship. JTEmma. Fin.
1. Wonderwall

_"Emma, just try it! It's fun!" You told me as we both stood in the vacant playground. _

_"No way!" Came my simple, yet firm reply. Although I would never admit it to you, I was actually afraid to._

_"Is that cause you're scared?" You teased, grinning at me, and I stuck my tongue out at you. _

_"I'm not scared of anything."_

_"Everybody's afraid of something, Emma. Even me."_

_"What are you afraid of?" I asked, smirking a little._

_"You." You told me, stifling a laugh as my smirk turned to an immediate frown. I glared at you, raising my small fist threateningly. _

_"Shut up!"_

_"'S'What I mean," You said, giggling. _

_"I'm not scared of anything," I repeated, glaring at you._

_"Then just try it," You said, motioning to the monkey bars. I glanced over, at the tall intimidating bars. Perhaps I should have mentioned to you that I had a small fear of heights. You grinned, motioning towards them._

_"Emmmmmmaaaa… Emmmmmaaaa…Emmmmmaaa…" You whispered, in your attempt of a ghostly whisper. And I decided that I had two options. Let you make fun of me, or just do it. Being the confident five-year old that I was, I approached the monkey bars._

_"Why are you making me do it anyways?" I asked you, as I started to climb up the tall ladder. You shrugged._

_"I don't got anything better to do."_

_I climbed up, grabbing hold of the first bar, then slowly reached over to the second bar, and the next. When I had gotten halfway through, I made the huge mistake of looking down. I froze in terror. The ground seemed thousands of miles away, and I couldn't seem to make my arms move any further. I couldn't let go, but I couldn't keep going, or turn around. I remained in midair, hanging to the metal bar as I started to panic._

_"Emma?" Your call seemed so far away._

_"Help," I cried, fear detectable in my tone._

_"Keep going," You encouraged, though I could barely hear you, as my mind was taken over with fear._

_"Nooo… I'm going to fall. I'm going to fall!" I repeated over and over, "Help!"_

_"Just drop down."_

_"No!" I shouted._

_"S'okay, just jump."_

_"I'm slipping. I'm going to fall!"_

_"Try and keep going. If you fall, I'll catch you…" _

I would have laughed at those words had I not been paralyzed with fear at the time. When we were both five, you were shorter than me. I didn't stand a chance if I fell. But I did. And you somehow managed to help me anyway. That was one thing I loved about you. You were always trying to help people, no matter what. You had only been five years old at the time, but without you knowing it, those words had become a promise to me throughout our complicated friendship.

_"Hey," you said quietly, sitting down on the front steps to my house._

_"Hey," I mumbled, looking away._

_"You're okay now, right?"_

_"I'm fine," I reassured for what seemed like the hundredth time that week. _

_"Are you sure?"_

_"Yes!"_

_"Nuh uh… I know you, Em. I can tell when you're lying. We have that whole ESPN thing going on."_

_"It's ESP," I corrected, giggling a little at your mistake._

_"I know that. I also knew that might make you laugh." No matter what I did, I could always count on you to make me smile. _

_Blinking, I shifted my gaze up to you and smiled even wider. You smiled back, giving me your famous goofy grin, which could probably cheer up even the most depressed person._

_"I'm fine. I swear."_

_"Promise you won't do anything like that again, okay?"_

_"Do you really think I'm that dumb?"_

_"No. Just promise the only hot guy you'll talk to on the internet is me." I laughed, nodding my head._

_"Sure… fine… 'hot guy'," I said, using air quotes to emphasize the fact that I did not actually believe you were a 'hot guy.'_

_"Promise."_

_"Fine, I promise."_

_"Pinky swear?"_

_"Aren't we a little old for this?" But you held out your hand persistantly. I sighed, locking pinkies with you._

"_I won't be able to talk to any hot guys anymore, anyway. My computer got taken away."_

_"That's what I'm for." Standing up and brushing off your knees, you extended an arm and helped me up as well. And then I gave you a smile, one that was saved for you and only you; my best friend._

And that was the second thing I loved about you. No matter what happened, you were able to flash me that goofy grin of yours, and everything would seem okay again. No matter how sad I was feeling, that smile could make me feel like I did when we were five again, and the only problem we'd encountered was getting stuck on the monkey bars, or a fear of catching cooties (which you were dumb enough to believe in).

_"Somethin' you wanna share with me, Em?" Your voice was sarcastic, joking. I bit my lip, blinking back tears._

_"Shut up." I snapped, turning away from you._

_"Emma?"_

_"Just say it. I'm pretty damn sure the whole school knows by now!"_

_"What? How?"_

_"Maybe you and your dad need to sit down and have that little talk-" I stopped myself, realizing the mistake._

_"What's wrong? Why have you been acting like this?" You asked, not even noticing what I had just said. _

_"Like you even care anymore."_

_"What are you talking about? Of course I care!"_

_"Someone tried to kill me. Someone had actually hated me enough to want to shoot me. And you don't even pretend to care!" I sat down, leaning against the wall of the auditorium, letting a choked sob escape my lips. When had everything gotten so messed up? _

_"Emma, I will always care about you. No matter what." You took a seat beside me._

_"I'm sure. I've been like this for a while, and it took you until now to notice. You're always busy with **her** and you don't even talk to me anymore."_

_"Yes I do."_

_"No. You don't. You used to come over all the time, hang out on my front steps… Now I'm lucky if I even get a 'Hey Em,' in the hallway. No one's been there for me. Manny's off with Spinner or Chester… or whoever the boy of the month is. Toby's off trailing behind you and Danny, or you and Liberty. Where do I fit in these days?"_

_"I'm sorry… I shouldn't have-"_

_"Forget it. I'm just having a pity party here."_

_"You have a right to feel this way. I'm sorry I wasn't there for you…" I looked up at you with doleful, glassy eyes, blinking away more tears._

_"I just wanted someone to talk to…"_

_"I'll always be here, okay? Anytime you need me. Except when Family Guy's on," You joked, trying to get me to crack even the smallest smile. _

_"The whole school knows, don't they?"_

_"It doesn't matter. It only matters what you think of yourself, alright?"_

_"I don't think very much of myself right now."_

_"Hey," You said, putting an arm around me. "You're smart, pretty, a great actress when you don't keep getting distracted by diseased manwhores, and extremely tall."_

_"How is being tall helping me?" I asked, sniffling, a small smile on my face. The smile you could only bring out at a time like this._

_"You can squish the shorter folk if they try to laugh at you." You rose from the dirty floor, extending a hand to help me up._

_"Thanks."_

_"Em?"_

_"Yeah?"_

_"If you're still worried about them… Just remember… Keep going. If you fall, I'll catch you…"_

And that was the third thing I loved about you. You made me feel confident, safe, and you could always bring out my latent smile; the one for you, and you only; my best friend.

"Emma?" My trail of thoughts was broken by Manny's voice. She blinked back a few tears and opened her mouth to speak again.

"Em, they said we can go in now. Liberty wants to go in first, though."

"Oh… Okay…" I said, nodding. And I stopped and wondered how all of this got so screwed up. How did you end up like this? You were the most selfless person I knew. Whether it was helping me after my drama of the month, rebuilding Manny's confidence, showing Paige you were there for her when Dean came here, or going to the funeral of someone you despised, just because Toby needed you to be there. Maybe you had your not so fine moments where you'd acted like a total jerk, but you still persisted in helping all of your friends whenever you could. And you went out of your way to help Liberty.

And maybe this is all my fault. Maybe I should have repaid you for the times you'd helped me. I should have tried to help you out more. I should have been there when you were desperate for money. Where the hell was I when you were struggling to keep up two jobs and stay in school? Where was I when you needed encouragement to go tell your grandmother, or Liberty's parents?

Where was I when you needed someone to tell you that selling drugs was probably the worst thing you could do, even though it was for a good cause and you were desperate? I was supposed to have been there when you took those pills. I should have been the one to stop you from taking them. Because of my selfishness, you were here, on a suicide attempt.

"Go ahead and see him," Liberty muttered quietly, brushing past Manny and I.

"Hey… Can I see him alone?" I asked, and she nodded at me.

Approaching the door, I grasped the cool metal handle, turning it and opening the door slowly. As I entered, you barely noticed a thing. Tears streamed down your cheeks. You were crying; something I hadn't seen you do in ten or eleven years.

"Hey," I greeted you quietly, sitting down in the chair next to your bed. When you said nothing, I tried again, "JT?"

"Em…" I reached over, held your hand in mine.

"Em…" you repeated, choking back a sob. "I messed up… I messed everything up…" You repeated this over and over until the sobbing took over, and I wasn't able to understand what you were saying anymore. I loosely wrapped my arms around you, as you wrapped yours around my thin frame, grabbing on to me as if I were your lifeline. And I wish I could have been.

"Hey… it's okay," I tried to reassure you, but found no faith in my words. I wasn't good at cheering people up. That was your thing.

"No… No it's not. I… I sold drugs…They're making me see a psychologist… I messed everything up. Liberty broke up with me… She doesn't trust me anymore… Em- Em, she's giving up the baby. I won't get to know my own son-"

"Shh," I soothed, "It's-"

"No…"

"Okay… I'm not going to tell you it'll be okay when I don't know that for sure. But I will tell you that no matter what you do, I'm always going to be there for you." You pulled back, blinking back tears, stared at me questioningly. A look that I could read as _'Promise?'_ And I nodded, leaning in, softly kissing you on the cheek. You gave me a sad smile, your eyes shining with unshed tears.

"JT?"

"Yeah?"

"Promise you won't ever do something like this again."

"I won't, Em…"

"Pinky swear?" And his eyes flashed with remembrance . We locked pinkies as we had done five years ago, making a promise to make the right decisions. By making these promises, we were also assuring the other that we'd be around for them forever. Almost losing you had made me realize something. I, Emma Nelson, was in love with you, JT Yorke; my best friend. Although I desperately wanted to tell you this, I knew I shouldn't, because you had too much to handle right now. So I said nothing.

"Em…" You sighed, "What am I going to do?"

"Try and keep going, JT," I said, smiling a little, "If you fall, I'm going to be there to catch you." And once again, you flashed me your goofy grin, reassuring me that you were still able to smile like that. Once again, it made me smile back.

_Maybe  
You're gonna be the one that saves me  
And after all  
You're my wonderwall  
**Wonderwall- Oasis**_

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**A/n: As you can tell, it takes place at the end of Turned Out pt. 2.**

**So... there's that...**

**I may write a second chapter with JT's POV on the whole thing... Maybe.**

**Review... please?**


	2. Passenger Seat

_"Try and keep going, JT," You told me, smiling a little, "If you fall, I'm going to be there to catch you." I smiled at you, reassured by the familiar words. And we stayed there for a while, talking about school, music, movies, and yet nothing because we were both holding back the words we wanted to say. _

_Manny had come in, talked to me for a while, as well as Toby. Liberty did not return that day. Neither had Danny. And when the time came, visiting hours were over for the day, and I was alone. And I hate being alone, because then I thought I might start thinking about everything that went wrong over the past couple weeks._

_But sure enough, you snuck back in just to say goodnight. And I never doubted for a minute that you would._

_"You're back…" I mumbled sluggishly, attempting to resist fatigue. You nodded, holding my hand._

_"Had to say goodnight."_

_"Mmm…"_

_"I can't stay long… They're eventually going to realize that I snuck back in past visiting hours."_

_"Such a rebel, Nelson," I mumbled, smirking lazily._

_"That's me… Always breaking the rules…" I snorted._

_"Remember when you got suspended for protesting against our nasty caf food?"_

_"I was quite the rebel," You replied, our clasped hands swaying with a slow momentum._

_"I dunno…That's a pretty lame reason for suspension…"_

_"And you think your Radish song was any better?" I frowned, suddenly, remembering the duet with Liberty. All the memories and thoughts I had tried to keep at bay suddenly came rushing back. Your smile faded, realizing what you had said._

_"JT…"_

_"It's fine…"_

_"It's not… I wish I could do something to make this better." I wanted to tell you that all you had to do was be here with me, but I remained silent. There was a pregnant pause before I spoke again._

_"Emma?"_

_"Yeah, JT?"_

_"Promise you won't leave…"_

_"I won't."_

_"Mmkay…" I mumbled, succumbing to exhaustion. I felt your soft hands lightly stroke my hair for a while. I faintly heard you rise from your seat, lightly kissing me on the forehead._

_"JT… I love you." And I prayed to God that you had actually said those words, that it wasn't just my imagination. But as I wasn't sure, I said nothing until I knew you were gone._

_"I love you, Em," I whispered, as soon as I was sure you were gone._

Months ago we had had that conversation. Months ago we had promised to keep being there for each other. And yet, somehow, we both broke the promise. You were off spending time with Peter. I spent the time trying to help Liberty in any way possible, although my attempts were usually futile.

Then we ended up back in the hospital again. Only our positions were reversed. Manny, Peter, and your parents seemed to all know what's going on, but I have no idea. Some friend I am, huh?

_"JT, what's wrong?" You asked, concerned, as you took a seat on the swing beside me. We had been in pre school, and while everyone else was playing together on one side of the playground, I had chosen to sit on the far side, swinging alone._

_"Nothing…" I mumbled, sighing._

_"Nuh uh, you sound sad. S'wrong?" Looking over at you, I could tell that you were concerned, not just nosy. You had been my friend since the start of the school year, and I trusted you. And on that day, I made the decision that I trusted you enough to tell you anything._

_"You know how my daddy hasn't been around much?" You nodded._

_"Emma, he's gone. Mommy said he wasn't gonna come back this time." I could feel my eyes welling up with tears._

_"Where did he go?" You asked, confused._

_"I dunno. She wouldn't tell me. She juss said he wasn't gonna come home." I sniffled, wiping the tears from my eyes with my shirt sleeve._

_"I'm sure he'll come back," You reassured, smiling a little. I shook my head._

_"No… Emma, he doesn't want to see me. S'why he left." You rose from where you were sitting and wrapped your arms around me._

_"Why doesn't he wanna see me?"_

_"S'okay. I don't have a daddy either,' member?" I nodded._

_"But we still have each other…"_

_"Promise you won't leave?"_

_"Promise. We're always gonna be friends."_

_"Forever?"_

_"Forever and ever," You said, smiling. I smiled too, rising from the swings._

_"Unless you get cooties, though," I told you, giggling._

_"Hey!"_

"JT…"

_"Soo… how'd it go?" You asked, grinning playfully. "Is there going to be a hot date this Friday?" I wanted to laugh, but I really wasn't in the mood to._

_"No…"_

_"Saturday then? She's probably busy on Friday…"_

_"No…"_

_"Then when? Today?"_

_"No, Emma," I snapped, looking up at you, "There isn't going to be a date. There aren't going to be any dates."_

_"What? Why? She seemed interested."_

_"To you, maybe…"_

_"Did you ask her?"_

_"No, Emma. I just have a psychic ability when it comes to knowing when I'll be turned down."_

_"JT…"_

_"Yeah, so I asked her… You know who she'd already planned on going out with? That Sully guy."_

_"What?! When I was talking to her, she seemed interested!"_

_"Nope… apparently not. And he's just asking her out because she's dressing like that…"_

_"Umm… Isn't that one of the reasons you were going to?"_

_"Not the point, Em. I've been her friend for a long time… I've liked her before now, too. But now, I thought…"_

_"She's been acting different anyway…She'd rather go hang out with guys than help me with the environmental club…"_

_"No, not the environmental club!"_

_"Shut up," You said, laughing, swatting me on the back of the head._

_"So I guess it's just me now…"_

_"What do you mean?"_

_"Well… Toby usually has some science club, or some dork thing today… You're always out with Sean… Manny and I used to hang out sometimes… But now…"_

_"Hey… I haven't forgotten about you."_

_"No…"_

_"Come on," You said, tugging my shoulder a little. You rose from the bench where we sat, and tugged my arm again. "Come on," You repeated, grinning broadly._

_"Where are we going?" I started to ask, but ended up following you as you took off into a sprint. "Emma!" I called, but you just laughed in response. I ran after you until we made it to the park. You jogged over to the playground where our moms would take us when we were younger._

_"What are we doing here?"_

_"You said you felt ignored…"_

_"So you led me to the park? To… pull a Michael Jackson?"_

_"No, stupid. We used to come here all the time…"_

_"When we were four, yes. Not fourteen." You sat down on the swing that you had always claimed to be yours when we were younger. I sat down next to you._

_"Don't you miss those days?"_

_"No… not really… You used to beat me up…"_

_"That was one time, JT. You're such a drama queen." You complained, feigning annoyance. I glanced over at you, your honey blonde hair flowing in the wind, your warm brown eyes smiling at me as you laughed. And that's when I forgot about Manny. And Paige too, even. It didn't matter, though, because you loved Sean, and you would never feel the same way. So it was my duty as your best friend to support you two and pretend that I could fall in love with someone else._

_"We were a lot happier then… None of this high school drama crap."_

_"Manny didn't ditch us…"_

_"I was a pimp…" You stopped twirling the chains of your swing and hit me on the shoulder._

_"You were not a pimp."_

_"I had my two ladies, and-"_

_"Ditched us because you thought we had cooties. It took your mom two weeks to convince you to come out of the house."_

_"Maybe you had some bug in your hair that I mistook for a cootie."_

_"I do not have bugs in my hair!" You protested, laughing. This was why I made stupid jokes, said stupid things. To keep the smile on your face, to hear your blissful laughter fill the air. When your face lit up and a grin broke out on your cheeks, even your eyes smiled along with it._

_"Hey… something had to have scared me away from you girls."_

_"How about your own stupidity?"_

_"Please, Emma…"_

_"Is that why you have all that hair? To make up for what's not inside your head?"_

_"Ha. Ha. I'd laugh harder, but-"_

_"Your tiny brain seems to have forgotten how." You giggled, "Three in a row, JT. I'm on fire."_

_I smirked, then to your surprise jumped up from the swing and wrapped my arms around your waist, tickling you._

_"Stop…" You gasped out, in between fits of laughter._

_"Say it…"_

_"Say what?"_

_"You know…"_

_"No…"_

_"Say it…"_

_"No… JT, get off me."_

_"Say it…"_

_"Fine… JT is the hottest guy in the whole world…" You stopped mid sentence, laughing, "And he could get any girl he wanted."_

_"I knew it."_

_"Except me, of course," You joked. It was a joke. I knew it was a joke. But it still hurt, just the same. Avoiding an awkward conversation, I played it off, pretended it didn't bother me, and made a joke about it._

_"I don't date girls with cooties anyway… Can't imagine how Sean likes it… All those bugs and stuff…"_

_"You are such a loser..."_

_"I believe someone just said I was the hottest guy in the world."_

_"It was a life threatening situation," You defended, placing your hands on your hips._

_"I'm sure. I heard about this guy once who died from being tickled. Think I read about it in some science magazine."_

_"I don't believe that. It still hasn't been proven to me that you can read." You laughed again, began sprinting off before I could say anything. I ran after, tackling you to the ground. We laughed, and it was almost as if we were kids again, sitting on the playground, teasing each other. Only Manny wasn't there. And that didn't bother me much._

"JT…" I heard someone repeat, pulling me from the memory. I looked over, saw Spike standing by my side, tears staining her cheeks. "She wants to see you…"

"Really?" She nodded.

"She was asking for you." She stepped aside and I began to walk over to the door, not before turning to face her once more.

"Um… Ms. Nelson? What… happened?" I felt like an idiot asking the question. You were my best friend, always there for me, and here I was, waiting to visit you in a hospital when I don't even know how you ended up here. I wondered if you remembered that promise I made you last year when you had been upset after the incident at the ravine. I broke it, and you had every right to yell at me.

"Emma… she hasn't been eating… It's been going on for about a month now… She might be diagnosed as anorexic." I froze. How could I not even notice this? How could I have been such a horrible friend?

"JT?" Spike asked, frowning slightly. I shook my head, turning back around.

"Right… sorry." I began to walk into your room, as Manny left.

"JT," You spoke softly, yet anxiously as I approached your bed. Tears welled in your eyes, slowly slipping down the soft curves of your cheeks. It broke my heart to see you like this, knowing I hadn't done anything to try to help you.

I brushed a golden strand from your eyes, pushing it behind your ears. You began to sob, and I sat down beside you, wrapping my arms around your frail body.

"Hey, what's wrong?"

"JT…" You repeated, your voice muffled as you sobbed into my shirt. "JT… I didn't think you were going to come…" My heart broke even more to hear those words leave your mouth. I hadn't been there for you at all. When I had overdosed a while back, you were the second person to come see me, and you knew why I was there. I was standing out there clueless as to what had happened, causing you to wonder if I was even coming at all. I made you a promise and I broke it. This time I really would stick with it. I wanted to stay by your side until you told me to go away.

"I'm always going to come for you, Em," I whispered, my arms tightening around you, "Always…" It was silent for a while. The only sounds present were your muffled sobs against my shirt.

"What's this I hear about an eating disorder, Em?" I asked, quietly, looking down at you. You avoided making eye contact with me, began to sob even harder. "Shh… Hey, it'll be okay," I soothed, running my hands through your golden locks.

"I can't… They're trying to make me eat again… And I know I should, but I just… I can't…"

"Why not?"

"It… it makes me sick… I can't even look at it."

"Why?"

"I don't… If I eat it, I'm going to gain all the weight back… and I'll get fat, and then no one…" Your small voice trailed off as the heart wrenching sobs took over, causing you to shake a bit in my hold.

"No one… what?"

"No one will love me." It was spoken so quietly, that for a moment, I wasn't even sure if I had heard you or not.

"Emma, you're not fat-"

"Yes I am."

"No you're not."

"I am. You don't even know what you're talking about-"

"Hey, listen to me." I spoke firmly, a bit harsher than I should have. "You are not fat, Emma. Not even close."

"I'm-"

"And you're not ugly either." My voice softened, "You're one of the most beautiful girls I know. From the way your eyes sparkle, to the way you laugh whenever I say something stupid, Em, you are beautiful." I could not believe I was admitting all of this stuff to you. But I'm renowned for speaking before thinking. It's the only thing I really can do. And you needed to hear this.

"And it's not just the way you look. You have a beautiful personality too. And Manny, your parents, me, Peter even, we love you for who you are, not what you look like. You could be a four hundred pound elephant woman, and I wouldn't care. You'd still be beautiful."

You looked up at me, a small smile forming at the corners of your lips.

"I just can't make myself feel the same way…"

"Em… you have to stop this. Or you're going to die," I told her, unknowingly repeating Manny's earlier words.

"I don't know if I can do it…"

"If you can go a whole day without eating chips, you're strong enough to start eating again." I flashed you a goofy grin, bringing more of your latent smile out. "Just… try and beat this…For me?"

"Okay…" You promised, as we clasped hands, "For you."

**_-When you feel embarrassed then i'll be your pride  
When you need directions then i'll be the guide  
For all time.  
For all time-  
_Passenger Seat- Death Cab for Cutie**

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**A/N: So, there's going to be one more chapter, after I see 'Rock This Town' (Although thanks to the assholes on the-n message boards, I already know what's going to happen...) Sniffle T.T**

**Anyone reading this? I got one review last chapter...  
(Although I don't blame you for not having the time... I have midterms tomorrow that I'm going to fail.)**


	3. Understanding :Wash It All Away:

**A/n: Alright... last chapter...  
Lyrics are in bold and italics,**

**Memories from conversations with JT are in italics only.**

**Lyrics are from Evanescence's "Understanding (Wash It All Away)"  
Any lines you recognize from the episode (like four or five at the beginning, when Toby was talking to the doctor...) Belong to Degrassi...  
I own nothing. If I did, I sure as hell would not have killed JT off. (Can you say 'Goodbye Darcy?')

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**

**_"You hold the answers deep within your own mind.  
Consciously, you've forgotten it.  
That's the way the human mind works.  
Whenever something is too unpleasant, to shameful for us  
to entertain, we reject it.  
We erase it from our memories.  
But the imprint is always there."_**

"His aorta was punctured. It's a main artery, and I'm sorry. We couldn't repair the damage."

"W-What? You're joking…"

"I'm sorry, your brother's gone," the woman informed monotonously, showing no signs that it even mattered to her. When the harsh words left her mouth, my mind went numb. I faintly heard Toby repeat her words, questioning whether or not he had heard her right, but felt nothing else. I couldn't see; I couldn't move; I couldn't hear; I had to remind myself to breathe.

**_(Can't wash it all away)  
(Can't Wish it all away)  
(Can't hope it all away)  
(Can't cry it all away)_**

Sean's fist slammed against the wall, and I stood beside him, unflinching. While Manny burst into tears, letting out heart-wrenching sobs, I remained silent, staring ahead as if nothing had happened.

"You're lying." It wasn't a question, it was a firm statement. I knew you wouldn't leave me this early. Not like this, not now.

"I'm sorry," She spoke, her cold eyes boring into me, "There was nothing we could have done."

"Liar," I seethed, glaring at her as if it were her fault that he wasn't by my side at the moment.

"Ma'am, you need to-"

"I don't need to do anything. Shut the fuck up and let me see him." I didn't even know what I was saying. I just knew this wasn't true; that I was sure of.

"Em-" I turned, feeling Sean's fingers lace with mine.

"No. Tell her to stop lying, Sean. Make her stop lying," I pleaded, my voice sounding small, desperate, childish.

"Emma… Emma, I can't. She's not…"

**_The pain that grips you  
The fear that binds you  
Releases life in me  
In our mutual  
Shame we hide our eyes  
To blind them from the truth  
That finds a way from who we are_**

Then I decided this was a joke. Yes, it was simply another one of your stupid jokes. Only this time, you went too far. This is a sick, cruel joke, JT. It's far from funny, because I almost believed that you were gone.

"She is. She's lying," I insisted, my eyes glazing over, pleading for Sean to tell me this wasn't real.

"Emma." He gripped me firmly by the shoulders, turning me to face him. A stray tear slipped from his red-rimmed eyes.

Sean didn't cry. When he did cry, there had to be a very good reason for it, like when Rick died. But Sean was crying. I knew there had to be a reason for it. And that's when I lost it.

_"I'm sorry... your brother is gone..."_

"No…" I whispered, slowly stepping away from him. "No!" I screamed, shoving him away from me.

"Ma'am, you need to calm down." I wanted to scream at her, tell her that she had no idea what I was going through. She didn't know what the world had lost; what **I** had lost.

_**Please don't be afraid  
When the darkness fades away  
The dawn will break the silence  
Screaming in our hearts  
My love for you still grows  
This I do for you  
Before I try to fight the truth my final time**_

To her, you were just a patient. Another lost cause, gone before help had even begun to arrive. That's how she saw you, anyway. To everyone else, you were the friendly, helpful kid who loved to make people laugh. You were the man whom children loved and looked up to. But to me, you were the source of my smile, the cause of my laughter. You were the one who held me up when I was feeling down. You were my savior, my best friend. You **_were_** my everything.

**_"We're supposed to try and be real.  
And I feel alone, and we're not together. And that is real."_**

My lower lip trembled as I referred to you in the past tense. Suddenly I felt extremely claustrophobic, and I needed to get out of the waiting room. I needed to leave the hospital, and never ever come back. A choked sob escaped my lips, as I turned away from the already hugging group.

Sean stepped closer to me, wrapping his arms around my trembling form. What was intended to be a comforting gesture was nothing but insulting to you. Sure, I had hugged Sean before, but not for comfort. That's where you had always stepped in.

"Shh… Em… S'okay…" I shook my head over and over before succumbing to his embrace, breaking down in his arms.

**_Can't wash it all away  
Can't wish it all away  
Can't cry it all away  
Can't scratch it all away_**

"No…" I choked out between sobs. Maybe this was a dream. I'd wake up and realize that I had fallen asleep in class. You'd be sitting next to me, making a joke about how even I couldn't resist falling asleep in science class.

Pretending that it was a mere dream only made things worse for me. I could imagine you right next to me, flashing me your goofy grin. But you weren't there, and I knew that.

"No… No… No…"

"Shh… Em… it's okay…" It was far from okay. He began to stroke my hair the way you would when I was upset.

**_Lying beside you  
Listening to you breathe  
The life that flows inside of you  
Burns inside of me_**

"NO!" I screamed, shoving him harshly away from me. Everything about this was wrong. He wasn't the one who was supposed to be comforting me; you were. You were supposed to be here, holding me in your arms as I sobbed. You were supposed to be the one who brushed the tears out of my eyes, kissed my forehead, held my hand.

**_Hold and speak to me  
Of love without a sound  
Tell me you will live through this  
And I will die for you_**

"_Try and keep going. If you start to fall, I'll be here to catch you."_

You promised. You fucking liar, you promised me!

"_Try and keep going. If you start to fall, I'll be here to catch you."_

You were supposed to be here, promising me that same phrase, once again. I needed to see your goofy grin, hear one of your jokes.

_"I'm sorry, but your brother is gone…"_

"Emma, calm down. Just… calm-" Sean began, reaching out to touch me. I shoved him away once again.

"Don't touch me, Sean. You can't-"

_"We couldn't repair the damage."_

When you cried, I cried. When someone broke your heart, my heart broke as well. When you laughed, I found myself laughing along with you. And when you left us, I practically died. This time, you wouldn't be there to make me smile again. This time, you wouldn't be there to save me.

_**Cast me not away  
Say you'll be with me  
For I know I cannot  
Bear it all alone**_

"Emma, please. We'll-" I darted from the room, sick of the lies, the false assurances, and the smell of death and sounds of crying. Making my way out of the hospital doors, I stood on the sidewalk, contemplating where I would go now. I choked back another sob, furiously wiping the tears from my eyes. I needed you…I loved you so much…

_"If you start to fall, I'll be here to catch you…"_

_**You're not alone, honey."  
"Never... Never."**_

_"Em?"_

_"Yeah?"_

_"Promise you won't leave…"_

_"I promise."_

_"Promise you won't leave?"_

_"Promise. We're always gonna be friends…"_

_"Forever?"_

_"Forever and ever."_

_"Don't you miss those days?"_

_"…We were a lot happier then…"_

_"Try and beat this… for me?"_

_"For you."_

_"I'll always be here, okay? Anytime you need me…"_

_**Can't fight it all away  
Can't hope it all away  
Can't scream it all away  
It just won't fade away, No**_

_**Can't wash it all away  
Can't wish it all away  
Can't cry it all away  
Can't scratch it all away**_

My thought process stopped. The only thing I could concentrate on was your memory, and all the promises we'd made. The only thing I wanted at the moment was to see you, because you were the only one who was able to help me. You were the only one who would be able to fix all of this. So I took a step closer to the road, followed by another and another.

**_(Can't fight it all away)  
(Can't hope it all away)  
Can't scream it all away  
Ooh, it all away  
Ooh, it all away_**

"I'm coming, JT," I whispered. The headlights of an approaching truck blinded my vision, and I remained silent, knowing this was what I had to do.

**_"But the imprint is always there. Nothing is ever really forgotten."  
"Because I'll die if you do."  
"Because I'll die if you do."  
"Because I'll die if you do."  
"Because I'll die if you do."  
"Because I'll die if you do."_**

Just before everything faded to black, I was able to see the silhouette of a young man hovering over me, his lips forming a disappointed frown.

"Why, Emma?"

"Because… I love you."

_"We're always gonna be friends."_

_"Forever?"_

_"Forever and ever."_

* * *

**A/n: Tears... so sad... **

They always take away the characters I love...  
Craig's gone, JT's gone sniffle...


End file.
